They have spent every holiday season together for the past 40 years. This year will be the first without him. On 22 January 2023, it will be a year since the death of veteran actor Patrick Shai. The actor, playwright and director was found dead by his wife Mmasechaba Shai in their garage in their Dobsonville ,Soweto, home, hanging from the ceiling. "It was the worst sight ever,' Mmasechaba tells ZiMoja. It has been tough for the family and still is. Since then, his eldest son Sechaba Shai (37) who battled with drug addiction for 17 years, has published a book about his journey to staying clean despite his dad's tragic death. Mmasechaba has also since started her own foundation, Widows Club:Hope and Healing to help give widows a voice. 

THE FOUNDATION

 Her foundation focuses on healing women who have lost their husbands and some men who have lost their wives. She will be officially be launching the foundation on 15 December at Castle Kyalami and all widows, husbands and couples are welcome to buy tickets to receive free therapy and to get some encouragement from women sharing their stories. "Even those children heading homes are welcome to come. It's all about healing and knowing that you are not alone,' she says. Mmasechaba receives messages and voice notes from women crying about being mistreated by in-laws or losing houses and everything after their husbands die and she ,too,could relate.

BLAMED FOR HER HUSBAND'S DEATH

 They have been together for 40 years and losing him was so abrupt. She started the foundation after enduring hardships following Patrick's death."I started the foundation this year after my husband's passing. I went through a lot of things that made me curious about what other widows are going through. I learned things from other widows, who came to the house to comfort me,' she says. "They brought up issues like, as a widow, I should expect to be attacked for his death and indeed that happened.' She remembers that morning of his death, like it was yesterday. "He woke me up and said he was sorry. I took a power nap because I slept late that evening and wasn't sure why he was sorry. Two hours later, he was gone. I found him dead. The worst pain was calling my kids and telling them their father was gone.' Mmasechaba says she was blamed by neighbours, in-laws, and people who had never even met them for his death. "I got strangers coming into the bedroom and asking, 'chomie what did you do?' she says. "He made the decision without me knowing and without leaving a note. I wish he would have told me something. He was a very vocal person, but he didn't say what he was feeling or going on in his life. We had a normal marriage like any with problems, and happiness. We laughed, and cried together,' she says.

THREATENING MESSAGES

It got worse when she received anonymous messages on her phone.  "I was getting attacks from anonymous SMSes threatening me, people who said I drove him to kill himself. It was assumptions and perceptions. Somehow, society believes that a man should not die before his wife. There were a lot of things that were happening. Even people close to me were asking questions like 'why am I m I not crying.' They were suspecting that I might have done something to him. How? I have been with him for 40 years, If I wanted to do anything to him, I could have done so in my youth.' Mmasechaba says that even law enforcement was not kind. "When the police come, as a wife, you become the first suspect. The interrogation was overwhelming. I had to tell the story over and over again,' she says. "That pained me. People didn't know how I felt. I am the one who discovered him. People don't care about my well-being, all they care about is their hero. Besides, the funny SMSes, society wants you to wear mourning clothes. You wear one dress for a year, you wash it only at night, and you don't sew it when it tears,' she says. Even during the funeral arrangements, she was criticised. "I was sitting in the bedroom with older women, If I take out the bank card and ask the kids to get something for the guests, I will hear a comment saying, 'My brother's money eya fela' (she's spending our brother's money recklessly) and they repeated this over and over. I finally called this out,' she says. "When I spoke at my husband's memorial, I was attacked. I was expected to sit on the mattress and perform and let people celebrate my husband's life without me. I'm not an actor.' Mmasechaba says it was these experiences that led her to start the foundation. "There is even more. You have to deal with finances and life insurance and the estate. The estate takes long to wind down, two to three years. With suicide, the case is still pending. The justice system also points fingers at you. They took our cell phones for months to see if we were not fighting. " Mmasechaba expected grief to be filled with supportive people but it has been the opposite.

SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITHOUT HIM

This will be the first holiday season; Christmas and New Year without her husband, and she is afraid. "My therapist told me to plan for birthdays and holidays like Christmas, but I thought it would be too far. But now that it is close, I am scared,' she admits. "I don't have a plan. I've spent Christmas and New Year with him and the family for 40 years, what now? A friend said we should go to Cape Town, but I am still not sure. I am still learning to navigate this life. On my birthday on 22 June, I got a reminder that he was gone. The grandkids also were used to him doing birthdays for them without a worry about finances. Now, there is no money. Insurance was a struggle soI had to take care of his debts. I am just keeping myself busy with this windows foundation and hopefully, it will help me and others in the process,"she concludes