It has been a year since veteran actor Jamie Bartlett died. His life partner Rosa Onious has opened up about her battle with grief and coming to terms with her loss. She discovered he had died after she tried to wake him up so he could leave to meet up with his friends, but he did not wake up and she called her mom and contacted an ambulance. They tried everything to resuscitate him through CPR but it was too late. After an autopsy was performed, it was concluded that Bartlett died from cardiac arrest. Rosa continues to struggle with grief and shares her pain, a year after his passing.

STRUGGLING WITH GRIEF

She opens up about struggling to get up in the morning, feeling depressed. Rosa shares that she spends her days in bed due to grief and on 23 May, she built the courage to get up at 16:17. "I finally found the courage to get out of bed and face the severity of the sadness that this day brings to my existence," she says. "Today marks exactly a year, one whole year since you departed from this earth and left us." Her heart is shattered all over again and says she is filled with anxiety all over again. "Depressed! How did a year go by so fast? It still feels like yesterday. Jamie you are loved and missed dearly, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and your remarkable presence in my life," she says. "We mention and mimic you around the dinner table all the time. The house still feels so empty without your presence."

HAUNTED BY HIS DEATH

Rosa says she managed to rearrange the house to make it liveable for her and her kids. "We have finally found the strength to display and hang all your achievements, awards, photographs etc in the dining room," she says. "The trauma of being the one who discovered your lifeless body that was full of life and energy just hours before still haunts me and it will forever live with me. Why did it have to be me?" She cannot get over the verity of it all. "That I will never be able to have a conversation with you again, to hold you, to cook together, to eat together, to be your manager and your love at the same time, to cry in your arms or come home to vent to you about my day, hear you vent to me about your day, or to have you ask me for advice," she says. "The late-night moments and laughter we shared after putting the kids to bed as we celebrated freedom. You were so good at telling kids bedtime stories, they would always choose you over me to put them to bed. They miss that, they miss you," she adds. "You never missed a single ballet, acrobatics, soccer or rugby event, in support of the kids. The drama and acting lessons you gave us every time you got a chance, our life was a movie and we loved it." She says he taught them so much. "From all the fortunes you have left us, I am grateful for the wisdom and knowledge you left me with."

LESSONS

Rosa says losing Jamie has taught her to be brave. "It made me realise the strength I never knew I had nor ever awarded myself. It taught me to love unconditionally and to treasure my loved ones. It taught me to be unconventional. It taught me to live life without anticipation, to broaden love, to work harder, it made me realise how vulnerable I am," she says. "It also taught me to keep moving no matter the circumstances, to live with this pain that resides in my heart immensely and to continue with my entity. And it taught me that love lives on, that I am not alone. And that there is a lot of heaven on earth worth commemorating."